Lakeside Hash House Harriers The drinking club with a running problem
LAKESIDE HASH HOUSE HARRIERS COMMITTEE 2012-2013
Grand Master: Pauline “It Wasn’t Me” Middelveld Religious Adviser: John “Klingon” Perkins Hash Cash: Simon “Lubang Oz” Wreford Grog Master: John “Klingon” Perkins Checking Chicken: David “Udder Idjit” Cheeseman Sgt@Arms: Barry “GG” Kerr; Soc Sec: Linda “Cyclone Tracy” Anderson-Berry On Sec: Andrew “Shitoffashovel” Middleton Hash Haberdash: Lorraine “Egg and Bacon Pie” Gierck Hare Raiser: Nick “Nickle B” Leicester Hash Flash: Mark “Ambidexterous Hand Job” Kalic Web Master: Stuart “Flem” Smith
Run 1506, 18 July 2012 Hare: Two Bottoms Venue: Gertrude’s Brown Couch, 30 Gertrude Street, Fitzroy
The pack slowly formed at Gertrude’s Brown Couch and contemplated the well (cheaply) priced menu, only to find the prized dish (osso bucco, $19) wasn’t available. The steak sanga ($14) came highly recommended and was a fair trade at the same price when accompanied by a stubbie of Cooper’s Stout.
Ultimately, it was the slowest pack formation in Lakeside HHH history because returnee Lady Gaga arrived before 6 o’clock. Why? Word on the street says she was desperate to see all the handsome men of Lakeside HHH. Alas, Dr Boner and Ambidextrous Handjob were no shows and she was greeted firstly by SOAS and then Prince. Poor woman. Luckily, with the use of some online dating service and foresight, she brought along her own virgin, Jason. And we were glad she did, because he turned out to be good value. Anyway, nearly an hour after Lady Gaga first graced its surrounds we all made our way outside the venue and listened to instructions.
In the cold weather outside, the state of no GM and a lack of direction led SOAS to appoint E&B temporary GM. Immediately, she took control welcomed the virgins & returnees, handed over to hare Two Bottoms, who continued with refreshing pace to explain hashing to the new and sent us on our way. (Dr Boner – there is a lesson to be learnt here.)
The run took us east and then south through Fitzroy in the direction of Fitzroy Gardens, East Melbourne. We skirted through the historically finer end of the city at top of Collins Street in a westerly direction and then headed north to the Carlton Gardens. The entire time we were being paced by the Washington D.C., now Sydney based hasher, Murking Class Man (MCM). MCM believes in two things: running exceptionally fast and wearing no shirt despite the barely-above freezing temperature. Both of which proved to be a hit with the female hashers who waited tongue to ground every time we returned from an on-back.
A satiated stomach later and the true GM, It Wasn’t Me, took control and formed a circle beside the front of Brown Couch’s door. She deserved a free drink from management for this effort because a group of four waited the entire time, stuck inside and ordering more drinks, until we’d finished.
The usual pattern of proceedings followed with a welcome to Lakeside for virgins and returnees: MCM, Lady Gag, Mr Sloppy (Oxford, England, now moved to Melbourne).
Mummy’s Boy was asked to offer a description of the run. Ultimately, this entailed the fact he’d found an antique shop, almost bought a Persian rug and had been left to his own devises by the rest of the walkers. He seemed very happy with the evening, despite the fact it barely resembled anyone else’s. E&B took over and gave a description of running through the streets of Fitzroy and the city that sounded vaguely more familiar and was followed by a score of 11/11. This scribe had a thoroughly enjoyable run and feed and won’t belittle E&B for her generous score, though he was disappointed with the complacency of the pack who accepted it without challenge. Shame on all of you. To add salt to the wound of softness that permeates in the pack, the GM gave a down-down to E&B for a good run report.
Then Sargent GG was called forward to take things down a notch, which he proceeded to do most adequately.
Firstly a joke was told, it went something along the lines of his mate going to the doctor with a red penis . . . no, no, you’re right, it doesn’t get any better.
Charges followed and included:
Mummy’s Boy for being seen buying rugs on the run
Lady Gaga for exiting Melbourne in the near future under the guise of having her wisdom teeth extracted – a procedure that can be performed in Melbourne
MCM – for something
Mr Sloppy – for being a man (that’s what I’ve written and I’m sure it was more convoluted and exciting at the time, but damned if I can remember what and how)
Cooch – not making checks; unless this was from HASH Cash, Lube Oil, in which case it wound have been for not making cheques.
E&B for boasting how good her run was in the run report instead of using the plural possessive our – yes, I know, it is getting sad when hashers are able to charge on such highbrow and grammatical points; drink more, I say, and slur more often
GG – being cheap for being happy at finding a tram ticket
Prince – for not knowing (or first recognising) Udder’s checking chicken symbol after ten years of hashing
Cut Loose and Lube Oil – for something that the scribe couldn’t hear because GG was talking too much and standing in front of him
Flem – not being able to remember GG’s name (and why was he charged for forgetting the forgettable you ask)
Jason – for being quiet and needing to feel a part of the hash at his first run, (but probably because E&B had a crush on him)
Lube Oil – low profile (despite the fact he’d been charged minutes earlier)
Something followed about notices and included the Hash Balls-Up
Lakeside song was sung. Much to the happiness of Flem, SOAS wasn’t standing beside him; he was heard to remark how he’d forgotten how melodic the tune could be. A down-down for next week I’m sure for ever believing the Lakeside song could be melodic.
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