Lakeside Hash House Harriers The drinking club with a running problem
LAKESIDE HASH HOUSE HARRIERS COMMITTEE 2012-2013
Grand Master: Pauline “It Wasn’t Me” Middelveld Religious Adviser: John “Klingon” Perkins Hash Cash: Simon “Lubang Oz” Wreford Grog Master: John “Klingon” Perkins Checking Chicken: David “Udder Idjit” Cheeseman Sgt@Arms: Barry “GG” Kerr; Soc Sec: Linda “Cyclone Tracy” Anderson-Berry On Sec: Andrew “Shitoffashovel” Middleton Hash Haberdash: Lorraine “Egg and Bacon Pie” Gierck Hare Raiser: Nick “Nickle B” Leicester Hash Flash: Mark “Ambidexterous Hand Job” Kalic Web Master: Stuart “Flem” Smith
Run 1508, 1 August 2012 Hare: SOS and Doctor Boner Venue: Barkly Gardens, Richmond
As I left the cosiness of my heated car and as the cold night air hit me I thought to myself – what deranged idiot decided to hold the hash outside on the coldest Melbourne night in living memory? Seeking the answer I soon found out that the run was being set by SOS and Dr Boner, who were notable by their absence from the assembled throng. Dr Boner is a misnomer as it implies that there is something other than bubblegum between those two ears of his. This did not bode well for a well organised run I thought to myself and as you will read this premonition played out as expected as the evening wore on.
A number of hash ladies were blowing up midget condoms and tieing then to the park table. In the middle of the table was a cake. I signed a card thinking it must be someone’s birthday card- I later found out it was a wedding card so I apologise to the receiver that your wedding card says “happy birthday you old bastard – Love General” Only a person with the intellectual capacity of the local park bench would have his wedding reception in the local park.
Just before we set off Nickle B piped up and explained a new and more complex run marking system with three crosses indicating on-on’s and a new checkback symbol. How he knew this when the Hares were nowhere to be seen was a mystery. I can remember thinking that this is likely to result in mass confusion and I wasn’t far wrong. I assumed that as Nickle B had given us the instructions on the run markings that he had inside information on where the run went, so I stuck to him like glue. After running about 2 km with what seemed like a check every 100 meters we arrived at a church with a rather nice spire. I was still sticking with Nickle B at this stage but after 3 laps of the church I realised that Nickle B had no more idea where to go than I did. I came across a harriette called Rolf Harris who I had not met before on a bike. I told her to get on her bike and go and look for the on-on. It was then that a mystery person called on-on along a trail which looked distinctly different to the three crosses trail we had been following. We later discovered that the actual trail went through the church driveway and another 5 km before returning home. We all charged off in the wrong direction and took a massive shortcut back to Barkly Gardens following arrows laid by another hash chapter. The run was all over in 35minutes with the pack getting back before SOS and Dr Boner who I found out were live hares- and that’s why they weren’t around to explain what the new markings actually meant. We got back to the freezing park where there was no beer and there was confusion as to whether the Pizzas would be delivered at 8pm or 8am the following morning, by which time we would have frozen to death. To say that this run was a monumental cock up would be an understatement.
The Pizza’s and beers eventually arrived and the festivities began. A guard of honour was arranged for SOS and Dainty Soul who had got married during SOS’s lunch hour that day and only a few hours before he set the fateful run. No flowers, no guests, no wedding dress, no romantic evening or honeymoon…. Good on yer SOS! There was rice and confetti everywhere as the circle formed. SOS was presented with his “birthday card” as the General quipped it was an arrest warrant for his new wife, who is loosely related to Kim Jong Il. (sorry… now Kim Jong Dead)
Next the GM read out an “Ode to Marriage”, what a nice thought but completely wasted on half brained hashers assembled in the freezing cold.
A new girl called Candy was in the circle who was introduced to the hash and had to drink. Being pretty she complained of overt attention from one of our Ex-GM’s. Ambidextrous HJ was also charged for not briefing her (or was it debriefing –don’t know which) as to the behaviour of some of our pack, who to watch out for and the lack of rules and boundaries on the hash.
SOAS gave a run report and was in my view particularly kind because we would have needed divine guidance at the church if we were to ever find the proper trail. Prominent in the circle was Dr Boner and SOS and deservedly so.
GG then got up and did his Sergeant bit. There was plenty of action, misdemeanours and targets of derision to penalise. There are too many charges to mention and almost everyone present was treated to a lash or two of GG’s tongue, and a beer of course. After at least an hour of shivering GG let us all go home. And that’s that!
Next week’s run is at the Flying Duck pub in Prahran set by Luban Oz. Great idea, will be a bit more comfortable than the local park. Get the fire stoked up and chill the beer and hopefully we will back on the arrows we are all familiar with.
On On
General
Announcements:
New LSH3 rugby top for sale! Available in red or other colour, collar & print is white or black $30.
Upcoming Events
Next Full Moon run click here:
Upcoming Runs See Upcoming runs page